Remembering my own version of 9-11

I clearly remember 9-11.  I was working at the Fleetwood company in Longview Texas in 2001. I was in a terrible place in my life. I was emotionally and mentally whooped.  My marriage was in trouble, and I was at a job I hated. I was so numb and cold in my soul.  I was not in shock that day at what was going on in our country.  There was so much strife in my own home, and I had lost all will for fight for anything or anybody for that matter.

I remember all the workers gathered around the flagpole at work and prayed. I was there but I didn't pray, just hung my head in silence. I was hearing audible voices and very paranoid about the people I was working around.  I thought that they were talking to me telepathically using their thoughts out loud. It was very overwhelming to say at the least. There was a love and hate war going on in my mind and with angels and demons fighting for my soul...I prayed so hard to know the truth at that time, but never got an answer I am not sure why. It was a very tough battle in my life, and I wound up in the hospital and ultimately leaving my wife and moving back to Arkansas.

I was marriage for 12 years and had 2 sons in my first marriage. I have so many regrets at that time.  I didn't know where to turn to get help...I thought I did the best thing I could do at that time by going to the mental health clinic in the town I moved to. I needed spiritual help and could not find it at that time.

I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia in 2002 and put on disability as well as divorced my first wife officially.  It was like taking a death sentence. The door was locked, and the key taken out of my hands...I was not very lucid in those days and not in a well enough frame of mind to make the decisions that I did, but I made them and suffered for it.  To this day I regret giving up on life that I once had. I can never get them back now. I had had to move on the best I could.

Looking back now the memories are bittersweet.  I have a different life now.  Is it better?  I cannot say that. I have moved on the best I knew how.  I will more than likely be judged for my poor decisions on that great day.

I kind of figure that we all have our worst-case scenarios. Our own 9-11 you might say. This is where I was on that great day of destruction in our nation. The destruction on my life was just as great.